Year One = Done!

It's official! I finished my first school year as a CF-SLP... soon I will be CCC-SLP!

It's wild to think that I'm also coming up on 1 year of my cross-country move to California. To say this year has been difficult would be an understatement, but I wouldn't have changed a thing. I have learned so much about myself and my profession in a way I didn't expect, and I think that's why I am so much more appreciative of the struggles I faced along the way. So, why was this year so tough? For some reason, I decided to make multiple life changes simultaneously:

1. Move across the country where I don't know anyone (except my boyfriend) within a 200-mi radius... check!

2. Move in with my boyfriend after doing long distance for half of our relationship... check!

3. Graduate with my Master's degree... check!

4. Start my first-ever SLP job two days after my degree was posted... check!

5. Renovate the house with my boyfriend while we live in it but have no idea what we are doing... check!

Each one of those is nerve-racking on its own. But altogether? It was like a punch in the gut every day. I questioned my job, my decisions, and my sanity. Shoutout to Wesley for dealing with my daily sobs back then -- now they're only weekly 🙃.

Okay, so moving across the country didn't completely suck since it meant I was finally in the same city as Wesley after a year of long distance. And, this was a decision I thought about for a whole year, so I felt somewhat mentally prepared. I am also used to living far away from friends and family -- my first job after college I lived in a different state every month and then I 'settled down' in Columbia, SC for my 2nd job and Master's program. It wasn't so much the distance from my friends and family but the fact that Redding is so damn hard to get to and away from! Flights are limited and expensive at the regional airport (RDD), so the best option is to drive 2.5 hours to Sacramento and fly out of SMF... not ideal in the slightest. This really emphasized that feeling of isolation when I first moved here... especially because I lived with the only person I knew in the area...

Luckily, Wesley and I had already played house together during the pandemic, so we had a sense of what to expect if we were to ever live together. Granted, he lived in a dirty college house with frat boys and I lived in a sketchy apartment infested with cockroaches... But if we could 'live' together in those horrid conditions during unprecedented times, we would be just fine. That's not to say it wasn't and isn't difficult at times. And as someone who doesn't like to clean unless I'm in a mood, that was another lifestyle adjustment and a part-time job I didn't want. While I waited for my Master's degree to be posted, I had to alternate between being a stay-at-home girlfriend and a renovation expert. I would stay home all day working on whatever tasks needed to get done before Wesley came home from work, which was sometimes 7 or 8 pm, and then on the weekends, we would continue renovating the house. Honestly, it sucked. I had moved to California to spend time with Wesley, but he was always at work and his free time was spent ripping up and installing flooring. Even though we lived together, we barely talked. When we did talk, it was about the house renovations, which were extremely stressful conversations. Just thinking back to those first 2 months of living in Redding increases my cortisol levels.

About 15 days after moving to Redding, I started my first SLP job in what I believed to be my least favorite setting... a school. And, I felt like I had no idea what I was doing since all my recent clinical experiences were in hospitals and medical settings. But, I was slowly making friends at work, which helped me get through the days. Like I've said before, my work environment heavily influences my happiness. I was starting to feel slightly better about my decision to move here. After about a month into the school year, I got a text at the end of the school day from Wesley. He was already home and wanted to know when I would be home, which was super odd considering he was always home at least 3 hours later than me. He had been let go from his job. Looking back, I think I was more devastated than he was. His job (regardless of how soul-sucking it was) was the reason we moved to middle-of-nowhere California and why I took a job at a place I never wanted to work. I wanted to leave. With the lack of security on his end, I felt less invested in my job in case we needed to move somewhere else. The thing about being an SLP, I can find a job literally anywhere; a fairly new chemical engineer cannot. While that was an extremely stressful time filled with unknowns and what-ifs, at least he got a lot of renovations done and we had so much more time together!

As the wound of being laid off started to heal, I began to realize the toll that job was taking on our relationship and, in turn, my perception of everything around me. The negativity put me in a downward spiral, so I was looking at the new place, new job, and new experiences through a cloudy lens. Wesley's positivity never waivered, and he eventually began working for a new company in a position that actually brought him excitement and joy. We had also checked off a lot of big tasks from the reno list, which gave us more time to explore the new area, providing me with more appreciation for NorCal.

January was another big moment of change for me work-wise. We had gotten back from Christmas break (you know, after having my therapy chair stolen out of my office by a coworker...), and I was feeling refreshed. I was forging strong connections with my students and seeing actual improvements in their speech and language! This was also when I took on another caseload from my CF mentor as a support for her during a time of need. I felt the challenge I had missed from the hospitals. I became more sure of myself as a clinician and my place in time and space. Yes, that sounds super weird, but I am a big believer in 'everything happens for a reason'. The district I work for now had been trying to fill my position for 5 years, and it just so happened to be me applying at the right time to eventually be there for my CF mentor. I was meant to move to Redding for more reasons than I had originally thought when I had the bright idea.

Because I had been looking through that negative lens since moving here -- "Ugh, I don't want to work in a school," "There's nothing to do here," "I have no friends," "Why did we have to move here?" -- I wasn't able to understand why I was even here in the first place. Everything happens for a reason, but sometimes it takes a while to see the reason. Despite the tumultuous start and the daily sobs, I have experienced some amazing things and made some pretty amazing friends and connections along the way. Shoutout to all the teachers and paraprofessionals that have evolved from strangers into friendships! Y'all are some of the most inspirational people I have ever met 🤍.

Right now, I am working Extended School Year (ESY) providing services for my district's SDC-I classes. My group sessions focused on emotions this week, so I have really been spending a lot of time pondering my emotions. Too often we are expected to feel joyful or happy since being angry or sad is frowned upon. But all emotions are valid and good -- the thing that makes them 'bad' emotions is how we react when we feel them. This year has forced me to sit with some strong, uncomfortable emotions. I couldn't run away from them since I was experiencing them in all facets of my life. I had made decisions that we proving to be scarier than I thought. The unknowns and self-doubts were frequent, but I was forced to sit with them. Everyday. Until, one day, I changed my reactions to those feelings. If I needed to cry, I just cried. I didn't start my doomsday spiral. And, you know what? I felt relief and joy after I finished crying. If I felt angry, I stated why I was angry and let it be out there. I didn't let it simmer and boil over to other aspects of life. And that helped me compartmentalize my emotions appropriately. Life happens and emotions fluctuate. We can't always control what happens or how we feel about it, but we can control how we react to it. And, if you haven't tried a weekly catharsis cry yet, I highly recommend.

I have learned so much in just one year. I can't wait to see what new scary adventures and challenges this next year will bring me!